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?Nope.? Swipe left.
?Nope.? Swipe left.
?Nope.? Swipe left. I sighed This was never going to work. And who decided that this was the best way to meet people? I sighed again.
Instead of putting myself through more electronic torture, I sat back in my chair, cradling my glass of red wine. Trying to find my true love was certainly easier with a glass of merlot at my side, but still not great.
Ding! Incoming text. I could use the distraction. I looked at my phone.
Liv: How's it going?
Me: Painfully, painfully slow.
Liv: Don't worry, you'll find someone.
Me: I doubt it. I've been doing this for hours.
Liv: Don't forget, I met Shawn online.
Me: I'm not that lucky.
Liv: Patience is a virtue!
Me: Ha! Later.
I put down my phone, and picked up my iPad, and returned to my nameless, faceless, electronic search for true love.
?Nope.? Swipe left.
?Nope.? Swipe left.
?Nope.? Swipe ? STOP!
I looked closely at the profile picture. Oh. My. God. It was Ethan. Ethan Dougherty, man of my dreams. I loved Ethan Dougherty. Well, I thought that I loved Ethan Dougherty in high school when I was 17. I was sure he was my soul mate. I wrote his name in my all my notebooks. I truly believed that we would marry, once he realized that I was alive. Truth be told, Ethan didn't actually know that we were destined to spend eternity with each other, but that wasn't really important. What was important was that I knew that we were destined to be together. And tonight the fates delivered.
In our senior year in high school I had two fantastically torturous classes with Ethan ? biology and calculus. I was so worried that he would hate me because I was a nerd, I didn't answer a single question all semester. It killed me on participation marks, but for me it was worth it. I did it for Ethan.
I looked at his profile picture, which was, of course, perfect. He looked a little more worldweary. He was older, and his hair was shot with grey, and there were crinkles radiating away from the corners of his eyes from smiling the best smile in the world, but it was definitely my Ethan. My heart pounded. It was like I was back in high school. Ethan. My eyes slid down to his profile bio.
Age: 33 ? Yup, still the same age as me. Definitely a good sign.
Career: Carpenter ? Ohhh, who doesn't love a man who uses his hands?
Likes: movies, rehabbing houses, travel, dancing, photography. OMG, I can do all of that, except maybe rehabbing and dancing, but I'm a quick study.
I was beside myself. Ethan Dougherty was available. I was available. Maybe, just maybe ?
I swiped right and hit the green heart icon before I changed my mind. I was all in.
So, a rational person would have moved on to something else, like making dinner, or walking my dog Bongo, or finishing the pile of marking that I still had to tackle from my fourth year astronomy class I was teaching, or tackling the scientific articles I had agreed to peer review. I didn't do any of that. Instead, I just sat there, staring at Ethan's pic on the screen, as if looking at his picture would conjure a green heart from him.
Balancing the iPad on my lap with the photo of Ethan enlarged, I phoned Liv ? that's right, called her, as in I used my phone for its primary function. It was a big deal. I never called anyone ? I always texted, maybe video chatted, but I did not phone people.
?Why are you calling? You never call! Are you all right??
?I swiped right!?
?Whhhhaaattt??
?I swiped right.?
?Wow! You've never done that before. I'm ? I'm ? impressed? Surprised? I never thought that anyone would ever meet your exacting standards.?
?It's Ethan.?
?The Ethan??
?Yup. Ethan Dougherty.?
Liv and I had shared a dorm room in university, and she knew all about my Ethan fever dream. She was theatre major, I was a science major. On paper, we should never have gotten along, but we clicked. When I think about it, I truly believe that we brought out the best in each other. We're like Amy and Penny from The Big Bang Theory, but without the laugh track. Liv makes me get out and live life, and I help her look at the world a little more introspectively.
I'm not sure which one of us has made it, but we're both doing what we love. I'm an astrophysicist, and Liv is currently staring in a series for Netflix that's in its third season. We've both achieved our goals, but Liv was currently living la vida loca, with her husband and two cats in a fantastic house in LA.
I, too, have a pretty cool life. I live in an amazing house, work at the U, and split my time between NASA and in the university. And, I had been to the International Space Station, twice. So, making millions of dollars pretending to be someone else, compared to being in space ? I figure that I won that one because there are millions of actors, compared to a finite number of people who have been to space, and I'm one of them.
?Sooo ??
?I'm literally staring at his picture, willing him to send me a green heart.?
?Uh, I don't think you should do that. What if he doesn't swipe right??
?Shut your mouth! He's going to swipe right, and we're going to meet, talk about the good old times, get married, have two children, grow old together, and realize that we have always been soulmates.?
?Hahahahaha! Nothing like setting your expectations in the realm of the impossible!?
?I know. But, you know, a scientist can dream.?
Bblling. I looked down at my iPad.
I screamed. ?It's him! He green hearted me! Oh my God! He Green Hearted Me! Oh My God! Oh my God! Oh my God!?
I didn't remember standing up, but I was jumping up and down in my living room. Bongo was confused and barking at me. Liv was screaming too. She was so happy for me. Well, she probably mostly got caught up in my totally high school-esque response to Ethan's green heart. But happy is happy. And Liv was happy with me.
I suddenly sobered. ?What am I going to do??
Liv sobered too. ?What do you mean??
?I mean, should I set something up with him? You know, maybe start a chat. Or set up a meet?? I paused. ?What should I do??
There was silence on Liv's end of the line. ?I don't know. Do you want to do the chat? You know, take a trip down memory lane. Or do you want to meet face-to-face, and start there? It's up to you.?
I honestly didn't know what I wanted to do. If we started a chat, then I would have to introduce myself to him, and talk about our high school years, blah, blah, blah, always hanging on the next DM. But, if we met in person, then I would recognize him, he would maybe recognize me, and we could avoid the whole awkward getting to know each other again.
?I'm going to set up a meet. See if he's interested. I'm not going to tell him we went to school together. I'm hoping he'll remember me when we meet. I'm going to bring my yearbooks, and we can start from there.?
?That sounds like a plan.? Pause. ?How about I come up to see you? I really want to be there when you met Mr. Perfect.?
?Aren't you working??
?Nope, we're on a four week hiatus. I'm just sitting at home watching Netflix. Shawn is in Singapore for a couple of weeks, closing some big deal. I'm bored, and I'd love to spend time with my bestie. And, potentially, Ethan.?
?You're sure??
?I'm sure. It'll be out of this world.?
?Ha. Ha. Ha. Astronaut humour.?
I looked at the notification. I couldn't believe it. Ethan Dougherty had swiped right for me. Me!
I opened the chat box.
Me: Thanks for the green heart. How about we meet for a coffee?
Ethan: Sure. When? I work most days 'til about five. How about after dinner?
Me: That sounds fantastic. When I'm in town I'm usually free by supper time. Are you available next Tuesday about seven?
Ethan: Sure. Where?
Me: How about Bean There, Done That on Amberly? Seven o'clock?
Ethan: Perfect. See you then.
Me: See you then.
I closed the chat box, and sighed. I was going on a date with Ethan Dougherty! I was so excited. I realized that I was actually too excited, especially because I was no longer the teenager I was acting like. I was a renowned astronaut-scientist, who has been to the international space station. But here I was almost wetting my pants because I had a date with Ethan Dougherty, from high school. Get a frickin' grip, girl!
I had three days until our date. I vacillated between extreme happiness, and heart-stopping terror.
Liv arrived on the red eye from LA Monday morning. She booked a room at the Fairmont, but she would stay with me unless my date with Ethan developed into something more than just coffee. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Tuesday finally arrived. I should really have booked the day off, because I was a complete dumpster fire. I couldn't concentrate, and kept making stupid mistakes. There are no do-overs in space, so I cut my day short and headed for home before I really screwed up. Liv was waiting at home for me, sprawled out on my couch. Apparently, when you're a big deal actor, sitting around binge-watching anything is the epitome of relaxation. Who knew? Bongo must have loved having Liv all day long, because he was happily ensconced on the couch with her.
?So, what are you going to wear??
?Uh, what I have on??
?Noooo!? She shook her head vehemently. ?No way. You need to have a ?look'. Right now you look like a scientist.?
?I am a scientist.?
?I know. But you don't want to look like a scientist. You should look like a funky chick whose got the world by the balls.?
I looked at Liv through narrowed eyes.
?By the balls??
?Yes! A bit of leather, some linen, skinny jeans, boots. You need to look like you own this date. We need to go shopping. Now.?
I knew better than to object. So, off we went. In a limo, no less. Just so you know, shopping with Liv is not like anything you've ever done before. Me, I shop at the mall, or online. If I need something really special, I'll maybe go to a small boutique. But shopping with Liv was a completely different animal, an event. She had arranged for a stylist, Pamela (not Pam, Pamela) to accompany us to the most exclusive shops in town. And it was Liv's treat. She knew that I would freak out about the prices, so Pamela made sure that there was not a price tag to be found. I was completely outfitted within two hours. That left us about two and a half hours until my date.
I walked into my house, and dropped my bags on the couch. I was spent ? who knew that shopping could take so much out of you? But Liv was not done with me.
?Go have a shower. The cosmetologist is going to be here in about half an hour.?
?Cosmetologist??
?Yes. She will do your hair and makeup. You want to look perfect, right??
?Yeah. I guess. But isn't this a bit of overkill??
?No! You are going on a date with Ethan Dougherty -- the Ethan Dougherty. You have to look perfect!?
Long story short, Genevieve, my cosmetologist, arrived and transformed me. When she finished with my makeup and hair, I almost didn't recognize myself. But damn, I looked fine.
Then Pamela showed me how to wear my clothes. I have to be honest, I always thought that I knew how to wear clothes, but I was wrong. I looked amazing. Even though I was only going for coffee, I totally could have pulled off the red carpet at a premiere, or the Golden Globes, or even the MTV Awards. It did occur to me that if Ethan and I moved on to a second date, he was going to be really, really disappointed because there was no way I could make myself look this good, but I was hoping that the whole astronaut thing would make up for my lack of second-date glamour.
Bean There, Done That was a five minute walk from my place, so, of course, I left twenty minutes early.
When I arrived, I scanned the coffee shop. No Ethan. I was a bit nervous, but I realized that I was early, so I took a seat against the exposed brick wall, near the front, with a clear view of the door. I ordered a mint tea, and waited.
Seven o'clock came and went. I was beginning to sweat, and hoped that Genevieve had used waterproof product on my face. But, not to worry. Ethan arrived a couple of minutes later.
When he opened the door, it was as if all the sound was sucked out of the room. I swear that he walked into the cafe in slow-mo, just like in the movies. He was here! To see me! I might have thrown up a little bit in my mouth.
He scanned the room, and recognized me from my profile pic, and walked over to my table.
?I'm Ethan Dougherty.?
?Yes you are.? I stood, and shook his hand. He put his jacket on the back of his chair, and went to order a coffee. I took that opportunity to stuff my eyeballs back into my head, and wrench my jaw closed. I was star-struck.
I had seen Earth from 408 kilometres in space. I have seen things that very few other people on Earth have, or will, ever see. But here I was all goofy and doe-eyed looking at Ethan Dougherty, who was, actually, a mortal man. What was the matter with me? I have been a mission specialist. People at NASA ask me for my opinion. But Ethan Dougherty agrees to have coffee with me, and I turn back into my insecure high school self.
When Ethan returned to our table, I decided to break the ice.
?It's really good to see you again, Ethan. It's been a long time ? about fifteen years.
He looked puzzled.
?We know each other??
?For sure! We went to high school together.?
?We did??
?Western High. We graduated in 2007.?
?That's right. But I don't remember you. Did we have any classes together??
?Senior year, we had biology and calculus together.?
He sat there, looking at me, obviously embarrassed.
?I'm sorry. I don't recognize you?
I'm not going to lie. I was slightly crushed. But it wasn't completely unexpected.
?I look a lot different than when I was in high school.? I paused. ?I brought our year books.?
I pulled the year books out of my bag, and laid them on the table. I took the 2007 book out, and turned to the graduates page. I ran my finger over the pictures until I found my grad photo.
?That's me.?
Ethan looked at me.
?That's you??
?Yeah.?
?But that says that your name is Marcus.?
?Well, I was Marcus. Now I'm Rachel.?
Ethan looked gob-stopped. It was his turn to stare open-mouthed at me.
This was the fish or cut-bait moment. Either he would run screaming from the cafe, or he would stay and start asking me questions. I held my breath.
?Uh. I don't know what to say.?
I sat waiting.
?I think I need time to think this over.? He got up and walked right out of the cafe.
I was shattered. I had hoped ? I looked down, trying to collect my thoughts.
I sensed someone standing by the table I looked up. It was Liv.
?Come on. Let's go get drunk.?
And we did.
The next day I was at my desk at the university. Another lost day. All I could think about was my disaster of a date with Ethan. It hurt. It really, really hurt. But that was the only way that it could have gone down. There was no way that I wanted to start any type of relationship without being completely forthcoming about my transition. Ethan had let me know what he thought by leaving and not even finishing his coffee. Sigh.
Ding.
I looked at my phone. It was Ethan.
Ethan: I'm sorry about last night. Do you want to meet up tonight and talk about everything?
Me: Are you sure?
Ethan: I'm sure. Meet me tonight for dinner at Rennie's Bistro. My treat.
Me: I'm in.
Ethan: Seven o'clock?
Me: Save me a seat.
Thank you, Jesus!
I remember it all.
"I remember seeing you at school, every day for four years. You were the only reason I actually came to that crappy high school. I was never a good student, but you were always there, so always went just to stare at you. I remember making eye contact with you during algebra. The feeling of your eyes on mine burned deep inside me with passion. Those eyes ripped me open and exposed the person that I truly was, that person that I hated. But I always imagined that those eyes loved me so much more than I did myself. Your eyes were deep, and beautiful; the kind of eyes that you couldn't look away from even if you tried.
I remember our hands brushing in the hallways between classes. Your soft hands stroking mine made me think of the way the grass grazed my little feet in the springtime when I was a child. You remind me of springtime. Those few seconds that I got to feel you, out in the open were exhilarating. Every second that we could touch in public thrilled me, and terrified me all at once. You were like a drug- incredible, but risky.
I remember gazing at you from across the cafeteria. I longed to sit next to you. All I wanted was to place my hand on your thigh under the table, and to wear your letterman jacket without fear or shame. I yearned to rest my head on your strong shoulder, and run my hands through your thick brown hair. I was so desperate to be yours. Back then, I didn't know that you yearned for me too. Of course, back then, all of that was a mere fantasy, made to suppress, until you are rid of it.
I most vividly remember those few minutes, when we were alone together in the bathroom, that sublime day. I could feel the tension between us, aching to be released. Every second that we spent alone together was like inhaling just a little more each moment, until the air was finally begging to be exhaled. I remember pushing you into the stall wall and grasping you into a fiery embrace. It was a euphoric feeling. It was glorious, and relieving, and terrifying. I can still feel your hands on my back and your soft lips on mine. That first kiss was the most beautiful experience I have ever had. I had no idea that kiss was the beginning of the rest of my life.
Unfortunately, I also still remember the guilt. I remember the fear that someone would find out, and I remember the twinge of shame that I felt every time I thought about you. I truly hope that you don't remember that now. Every touch was illicit, and every kiss was an abomination. Sometimes I think that maybe a part of us died, after keeping our feelings suppressed for so long. Those secrets took their toll on both of us. With every kiss, I heard the crack of my father's belt. Loving you was always some kind of cruelly addictive torture.
Our teenage years were the most beautiful and unbearable years of our lives. But we had each other, and although it needed to be behind closed doors, we made our relationship work. We were foolish, despite our carefulness though, and looking back on it, I'm not sure if we were really very good at faking our indifference towards each other. You always encouraged me to be myself, but when it came down to it, that wouldn't have benefited either of us. But I always loved how brave you were. After school, we would lay under the bleachers and you would tell stories about being able to be who we are without fear, and being accepted. You had dreams that we would live together, and get a dog, and maybe even get married. I always called you crazy and laughed it off, but you were right! You were always right.
We continued on our relationship like that for two years, but in 12th grade, we started to have some fallouts. Relationships were hard in highschool anyways, but they were especially difficult when they had to be behind closed doors. Another problem was that we didn't really have closed doors to hide behind. Neither of our parents were ever kind or accepting, so we couldn't even be together in our own homes. We stumbled a lot on our journey, but you always said that ?stumbling is okay- there will always be rocks in our path because of who we are.?
You were always an optimist. You made me a better person for loving you. I changed quite a lot throughout our relationship. I learned to be more open, and unique. You gave me hope that one day everything would fall into place and our life together would be perfect. I learned to see through your eyes, and you could see through mine. I began to see myself the way you saw me. I learned to appreciate life. You drove me to bridges and held my hand while we jumped into the deep water together. You took me on bike rides, and hikes, and you introduced me to your grandma, who passed away when you were 11. You broke me out of my shell, and molded me into someone that I love. You, Christopher, were the greatest love of my life. I would be nothing without you.?
?Christopher? Do you remember??
He stares at me blankly. I can tell that he doesn't.
?That's okay baby. You just sit.?
And so we sit, on the porch of the Cape Cod assisted living home, rocking in our chairs, looking out at the grey, cloudy sky.
I clutch his hand, desperately trying to cling on to whatever is left of the man I once loved. The funny thing is, though, when you get old, you realize just how long life really is, and you start to realize that every day has been an adventure. Every day of my life has been a gift, and I have truly lived.
We have truly lived.
I know that the man I fell in love with isn't here right now, but sometimes, when I look into his eyes, I can see a twinge of hope. I see flashbacks of our beautiful, full life in his eyes and I know that he still remembers that day in the bathroom.
I'll be okay, even if he forgets about me forever- I remember enough for the both of us.
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